Have I been Teaching Her Something Wrong?

The news about the sexual abuse of a six-year-old girl in a private school in Bangalore must have reached everywhere by now. Even writing about it here disturbs me. Maybe because it has barely been a month. Or maybe because of the incident itself. I think that even a year down the line, this incident will still haunt me. In fact, it will traumatize me my whole life.

“Traumatize?” Did I use a word too strong considering that I had no personal connection with the incident?

Not at all. “Traumatize” is exactly what I feel. Every time I think about it happening to a six-year-old, I feel as if it was a narrow escape for my own daughter. I have woken up thinking about it, I have gone to bed thinking about it. I close my eyes and all I can see are disturbing images. Countless times I have just replayed the incident in my head – girl getting inside the room..men raping her..innocent child..shameless adults. Everything gory, and me? Helpless. Absolutely.

Then I look at my own daughter – such a beauty, eyes filled of wonder, pure heart – and I want her to stay like that forever. I know I should teach her about ‘Good touch, bad touch,’ but look at her! Nobody would want to hurt this blooming flower! I so badly want to live in a eutopia, where nothing bad will ever happen. But that’s unreal, right?

How can I prepare her for a bad bad world that lies ahead of her?

My husband is an objectivist. I search for scientific/empirical evidence in everything. So our 3-year-old daughter has become an absolutely independent individual with a strong personality of her own rights and wrongs; and with an unstoppable spirit of exploration. How proud I feel of this girl! And how unsure I feel of what place will society have for a girl with such unique personality.

When she wants to go and explore in a faraway corner in park alone, we let her go. Of course we do keep an eye on her from a distance. But we let her go and search through twigs and rocks alone if she wants to.

When she wants to play with animals, we let her play without any dos and don’ts. We don’t tell her that the animal might bite her or sting her. We just tell her “if you will not hurt anybody, nobody will hurt you back.” This statement has taken her scientific curiosity to a whole different level. She is not scared of any animal anymore. She will go and gently touch an animal. And surprisingly because of her gentle touch, animals don’t hurt her back.

After the rape incident, I found myself telling her – don’t go alone, keep holding my hands, somebody might come and hurt you. She asks me, “why will somebody hurt me? I have not hurt them.”

Sadly, it seems that I have been giving her lessons that are not meant for girls. The lessons of staying ‘fearless’ are meant only for boys.

I feel so angry. I feel why boys aren’t slapped hard by their parents the very first time they are found disrespecting a girl in any way. In the park, numerous times I have heard parents referring to boys as “itni saari ladkiyon mein hero bana hua hai,” “are koi bhi ladki nahi ro rhai, tu kyon ro raha hai,” “ladka hai na, haath pair zyada chalata hai,” and “ladkon ko control karna bada mushkil hai.” Every time, such a comment has come from parents of a boy and never of a girl. You as a parent cannot give such petty excuses for your child’s aggressiveness, your apathetic behavior towards how your boy treats others and most of all your sloppy parenting. I am not saying parents of all boys are like that but every time that I have met parents with such an attitude, they were always parents of boys.

You know what? Enough of me trying to question myself. Isn’t that what society likes – women questioning themselves; women trying to find fault within themselves. I am not going to be a party to it anymore.

I don’t care. I don’t care how this society is turning out. I don’t care if a few stupid parents are not teaching their boys better.

I am not going to ask my daughter to stop dreaming because she might get a few nightmares along the way. I am not going to ask her to stop hiking in woods alone because she might find a stranger there. I am not going to stop her from picking up bees in her palm because one of them might sting.

I am going to ask her to stay fearless, stay independent, stay strong…no matter what.