Ma Have You Got The H1N1? Maybe, And So I Might Die Today (blog at mycity4kids.com for Mother’s Day)

Writing gives me happiness. And blogging lets me share my happiness with you guys. A while back I got the opportunity to blog for MyCity4Kids. I have always liked the website. However, writing there as a blogger made me fall in love with it. I feel like a part of something big, like a part of community or better yet a movement.

For Mother’s Day, mycity4kids.com invited mothers to blog for the occasion under the tag #everydayismothersday. Well, I did and my delight knew no bounds when I found out that my article has been chosen among the Top #10 Parenting Articles of the Mother’s Day contest. Have a look at my badge –

Here’s blog at mycity4kids.com for Mother’s Day –

Ma Have You Got The H1N1? Maybe, And So I Might Die Today

I was already through with my daily chores for the day. My daughter Little B was off to school and my husband was off to office. I was downstairs waiting for my driving instructor to call. To pass the time I kept looking at the watch and was feeling uneasy for a reason unknown. Finally I gave up on the waiting. He was not going to turn up today and I was not feeling like myself. I might take a nap. I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open.As I unlocked the house door, I suddenly realized that today was a due date for an important assignment. Forgot everything else and just pushed myself as hard as I could to finish that assignment. It was already time for Little B to come back from school and so she did. I was in a tizzy by then. Fed her and myself but don’t remember doing either. Fever was rushing on me. I told Little B that I’ll be resting while I clumsily looked for the thermometer in the first aid kit. I could feel the warmth in my body increasing every minute.

Seeing my panicked situation, Little B asked, “Ma have you got the H1N1?”

May be I did get the notorious flu or maybe I didn’t. I just slept. I woke back after an hour or so because my body was unable to contain the shaking. Popped in a pill and rang my husband pleading him to come back home quick. So he did. I was shaking, I was spinning and it even felt as if I was hallucinating. Another pill and cold water-soaked washcloths made the fever a little bearable.

And then came the night. I was still under the spell of diarrhea, fever and body ache.  I tried to sleep. Couldn’t. The flu and the insomnia together brought out the worst of my thoughts. What if what Little B asked was right? What if I actually have H1N1?

And then the night was nothing but a series of unanswered “What ifs?”

What if I might die today or tomorrow? And what if I die and Little B grows up forgetting me altogether? May be that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. If I am dead already, why would she think about a ghost? But still. Little B will grow forgetting if she ever had a mom. What if it all comes down to nothing? What if my life and my love amounted to nothing?

And so it happened.

It was night, way past 1 AMs and 2 AMs. I was in my bed with a paper and a pen. If I die today, I am not going to die without a note. Holding the pen was hard and my vision was blurry. But this note was my only chance of reaching out to my daughter after I am gone. I am not going to miss this chance just because my body is yelping in pain. I was ready to write my first and probably my last letter to my daughter Little B.

I wrote so much.

I wrote about how beautiful I think she is. Her hands, her feet, her nose and the dimples on her cheek. Everything is perfect, not even 1 mm left or right. Just where it should be and how it should be. I wrote it so that every time she feels down, she can read my letter and pick herself up.

I asked her to especially remember her dimples all the time. They are considered the symbol of beauty. But what they really are is a muscle deformity. I wrote it so that every time she finds herself up in the clouds, she can read this and feel humble.

I told her to be Merida from Brave. Strong and adventurous, courageous and selfish and yet kind and thoughtful, decisive and understanding.

I reminded her of the day when we tried to make a ‘thingamajigger ’ with chairs. We thought, thought and thought and then tried, tried and tried and finally we did make it. I wanted her to remember that she can achieve anything that she sets her heart on.

Then I reminded her of the day when we tried to fly a kite. We kept trying for hours but just couldn’t make it fly. We lost that day. However, we kept discussing ways to make the kite fly for weeks to come. I wanted her to remember that even if she doesn’t succeed at times, it’s ok. Just that she should not give up altogether.

I narrated her story of ‘baby Little B.’ Baby Little B didn’t know how to walk. So she used to stand up and fall down, stand up and fall down, stand up and fall down. Standing up and falling down continuously did not make baby Little B angry. Instead, it make baby Little B laugh. With every ‘stand up’ she giggled and with every ‘fall down’ she shrieked with joy. In my letter I told Little B to take all the ups and downs that life throws her way like the way baby Little B took her standing up and falling down. Always with good spirit, fun and louder laugh than the last time.

And at last, I asked for her forgiveness for leaving her alone while she was still a bud.

Then I folded the letter and sealed it wishing that Little B never ever has to open this letter. At least not today.

You can read more of my blogs at mycity4kids.com here.